I mentioned earlier this week that I had two guest posts for you guys this week. Today's is from Miranda and she talks about a personal struggle with anorexia nervosa. If this topic is uncomfortable for you, if you have had/have this disorder, or if you don't agree with this topic then please move on and don't read this post. Thank you!
Hey guys! I’m Miranda and I’m a teenage blogger over at Miranda Runs dealing with graduating high school, training for my first half marathon, and all things in between! I’m guest posting for Danielle today while she’s busy with finals… Good luck girl! Rock those finals!
Danielle thought it would be interesting for me to do a post on eating disorders. A personal story. That being said, before I get into the dirt of this post, if you are struggling with an eating disorder or ever have and are triggered, PLEASE skip over this guest post. I don’t want you to slip any deeper or fall back into it. This post isn’t worth it!
Some of you may know that I struggled with anorexia nervosa for 2 years in high school.
This was taken August 2011, 10 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. Scary, right?
I’m super happy to say that I’ve physically recovered now and, although I’ll never be able to shake all of anorexia’s dwindling effects, I’m making progress every day. Anorexia had a pretty solid grasp on my life for years, and I did the same exact routine day after day. Buckle your seat belts… we’re going back in time! PS- please get the reference!
Date: school day in April 2011
6:15 am- Rise and shine! I would get out of bed, lift up my shirt and see how “huge” my stomach looked that day. I would get dressed, do my makeup, and head out to the kitchen for breakfast.
6:30 am- Breakfast time. 1 cup of skim milk + 1 tbsp fat-free vanilla creamer. What is this, 100 calories max? That was my limit for breakfast calories. I wanted to keep it low just incase I ate more later in the day. This “prevention technique” is something I’m still working on getting over.
7 am- Leave for school and obsess over food. calories, and exercise during school. A lot of anorexic’s grades slip because they are too hungry to focus on school. I avoided this, thankfully, but only because I trained my body to ignore hunger cues. It wasn’t until I was done with 4 months of recovery that I actually felt “hunger” or “fullness” again.
11:30 am- Lunch time. I’m about 85% sure I didn’t eat lunch more than 5 times my whole sophomore year. People asked me why I didn’t have lunch and I’d tell them “I forgot”, “I’m not hungry”, “I had a big breakfast”. Lies. All lies. I got to be a fantastic liar… If I did bring lunch, it would be exactly 1 cup (measured) of Cheerios. And then I would have to burn an extra 100 calories at the gym later.
2:10 pm- End of the school day! I would head straight to the gym and not eat a snack (in case you’re keeping track, I’ve probably eaten a total of 100 calories for the whole day)
2:45 pm- Start on the elliptical. Every single day I would go on the elliptical for 65 minutes and burn a minimum of 800 calories. I hadn’t started running yet and frankly if I had, I probably would have fainted (or worse) because my body couldn’t handle it. I found a 2011 calendar where for each day I wrote down the amount of calories I burned, and from that I realized I didn’t take a rest day for 3 months. If the gym was closed, I would run stairs at home or do something else to burn calories. I worked out on Thanksgiving, my 16th birthday, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years… Some people call this “dedication” but it was definitely an unhealthy obsession.
4 pm- Do the lat pull down and seated row machines. I just did this so I didn’t look so skinny- it gave me “muscle”.
4:20 pm- Leave for home
4:30 pm- Take a shower and wait for dinner. No snack here either. I can remember looking at the clock and counting how many hours it had been since I had last eaten.
5:30 pm- “Eat” dinner. This means taking a portion 1/3 of the size of a normal one. I wouldn’t eat bread, fats, cheese, and I loathed eating out.
For the rest of the evening, I would do homework, watch TV, hang out with my boyfriend, mess around on the computer… “normal” teenage stuff. I barely snacked, but if I did, I immediately felt self-hate.
9:15 pm- Bed time.
I did this every single day. I’m ashamed of my life back then. Honestly, the best day of my life was when my boyfriend forced me to tell my mom about my anorexia because he was scared I was going to die (okay he never said this BUT I can read in between the lines…). My BMI was about 15.6 and I was in danger of my heart stopping at any time.
It’s been a long, hard road to where I am now.
But man oh man I’m so much happier and healthier. Sometimes I wish this had never happened to me… but it’s made me such a stronger, better person!
Starving yourself will not make you happier. Skinny does NOT equal beautiful. Society has brainwashed our society and anorexia is rearing its ugly head more and more. Ladies, love yourself! If you’re not going to take care of your body, who will? You only get one body!
I’m not usually this serious but a sad post calls for a not-my-normal-goofy tone. You can see my normal happy self at my blog Miranda Runs! Thank you so much for letting me guest post Danielle!
What do you love about yourself? Does this story resonate with you?
Thanks for sharing your personal story, Miranda! We are all glad you are recovering and living a healthy life. Check out my post I wrote awhile back about the influences television and models have on young women.